Life posting April 20

 

This is a venting post again because life is kicking my ASS, just as a warning if that’s not your thing. 

I did at least get my extension refreshed recently which was good. I like when she blows out my hair since I never like straightening it at home. And my birthday party was good as well. I’m just struggling so much with my pain and feeling like I am so behind in my career. 

When I look back, this career path was always supposed to be temporary, and now I’m 6 years in… and I’m really unhappy  

I had to leave work early because I was so exhausted and sick I felt almost drunk. It’s been kicking my ass lately like I said. My manager is suddenly very critical of me, and I know I’m not the star worker, but I’m trying… I’m really trying… it’s so hard for me to focus when my job is so repetitive. I’m not cut out for a repetitive job like this but I am stuck, it’s all anyone will hire me for. I try so hard. But concentrating feels like I’m beating my brain with rocks. It’s not that I’m not grateful to have my job, but it’s just knowing even when I try very hard I will never advance because of the way my brain is wired… it sucks. I feel guilty for having to leave work early but there wasn’t anything I could do about feeling sick… and I’m so worried for my meeting with my manager tomorrow because last week went so poorly I cried in the bathroom stall. 

Please no advise on this next part, it might be unrealistic but it just brought my mood down… 

I’ve been taking an interior design course to try to get into a different job and today our first project was due. It’s an online class where you don’t talk or anything. I knew my grade was 100%, so when I saw the guest speaker pull it up as an example I thought it was because it was good… but I felt more like she was using it as a bad example. she said things like “ this person didn’t understand the prompt they were designing for…” and the furniture is wrong… but never gave me suggestions for what what is “right” for the space, and the prompt was just “cat cafe”, no other adjectives or information. And my whole name was even on the project displayed to this whole class. I know I am here to learn but I don’t like this teaching style of criticizing with no suggested fix. Especially when I was already having a terrible day, I am in pain and exhausted. I was hoping I could at least be good at school since I know I am the worst performer at work, I would at least have one thing to feel good about and feel like I was working towards a better future. I don’t expect to just be praised but I want to at least receive criticism with some suggestion for improving so that I can at least try it again on my own and learn something from it. I don’t know how to improve from just “I don’t like this idea”. 

Plus I think no one likes the feeling of being bad at everything, and that’s how I feel right now. I’m bad at work, I’m bad at exercising, now I feel like I’m bad at school which is something I used to be good at. I just want to feel good at something again.

Sometimes I think yeah! Great! I’m bad at everything, who cares, just exist! But that’s a really hard mindset to maintain .

That’s all, rant over.  

Preparing for my birthday party

 

Bored waiting for my toenail polish to dry. We’re setting up for my birthday party! 

Birthday dinner (~˘▾˘)~

 Today we went out with my in laws for my birthday! We went to a korean bbq place that opened several months ago. I was really excited because I haven't been there before!

Outfit!! 

Top: victoria's secret 

Skirt: Marshall's 

Bracelets: Hollister 

Necklace: American Eagle 

There was so much food, this wasn't even all of it. Everything was really good! I actually really liked the edamame, I never use to in the past. I also had a lychee drink that was just lychee syrup and sparkling water, so basically like lychee pop! 

When I came home I saw that my columbine flower is blooming! These are native to my area, like all of the flowers I have in my garden. They didn't bloom last year but they are perennials, and they grew up super quickly and super large this year. 

Wonderful birthday presents from my in laws (◕‿◕✿)

This water bottle is sparkly, I exercise a lot and I wanted a bottle with a straw that wouldn't leak. I hate fussing with lids during class. 

Roxy bag! Inspired by some old school looks I saw with mini backpacks. I love natural bags like this. 

This was a surprise!! :D It has so many cute lip glosses in it that I'm excited to try. There is also a really pretty smelling body lotion as well! These are the two categories I like trying most since my lips and body (and brows but i usually always do the same thing to them) aren't sensitive like my face/eyes are, so I don't have to worry about ingredients. The only thing I can't use is the setting spray, but I will pass it along to a friend. 

Easter

Yesterday we took a day trip to see my family to celebrate Easter! We celebrate a day early with my family so we have time to see everyone. 

It was around 80F yesterday so I got to wear summer clothes (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

We went to the art museum! I love their art museum, it's so much larger than the one at home. 

 

We went primarily for the Chinese paintings they had on display, the theme was flowers and birds. 

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

The restaurant we went to after had beignets! my favorite (✿ ♥‿♥) I also had ratatouille but it wasn't as photogenic. 

Do you celebrate Easter? What did you do? I love hearing how other people celebrate holidays. 

New nail and make

 I got my nails done today!! 

Just glitter neon yellow today since I’m getting them done again in two weeks for my birthday. 

New make! I went with a lighter base, my acne scars are showing but I’m still pretty ✨ I tried some different things but my skin is on the oily side nowadays and my pores just get clogged to easily. I might eventually go back to my powder foundation but tbh I haven’t been liking it recently and everything else I tried I had to return because it made me break out, so I decided it wasn’t worth it. Hopefully my remaining acne caused by all this will clear in time for my birthday.  

I finally remembered how I used to do eyeliner and I like how this came out. I’ve hated my makeup every other day this week so I’m really happy about that. I’ve been trying to be more in tune with my own preferences for how makeup looks instead of chaining myself to a tutorial. I was inspired by Ran from Egg who always wears bright orange blush. I told my husband my life changed the day I realized pink blush looks horrible on me xD orange blush forever. 

Mall gets

Hello! It's been a while since I've posted. I've been running around so busy trying to take care of myself, and then dealing with a chronic pain flare. Yesterday my sister and I went to the mall! I told myself I was only gonna return stuff... but I ended up getting a lot of stuff I had seen shopping online that was much cuter in person. 

I was left unattended in Sephora waiting for my sister xD I haven't really been happy with how my makeup is turning out recently. I bought the highlight primarily to use under my eyes, and the other thing is just a tinted pressed powder. I use high end mostly now because Dior specifically has been kinder to my skin and eyes. I've been thinking about using a lighter base, I'll have to wait a bit to try this though since i'm still trying to narrow down what it is that's making me break out. Hopefully it isn't my new concealer since I've already had to return one, but I unfortunately have a feeling it is that since I removed all other new products and still got a clogged pore today. ugh. That would be the only time Dior has let me down. I think my skin may just not like any thicker liquid products. It sucks because i originally got concealer so I could wear lighter layers of my powder foundation and now it's given me more spots than I started with. 

Hollister was so good to me. My sister said the capris were ugly but I kinda liked the vibe, it reminded me a little of amekaji. 

Kitty :) 

A lot of my workout clothes are too big now so I got this set at Pink. They also had a sale on body care, and I really wanted to buy the watermelon body glitter gel. I feel like now that these trends are coming back I can finally look how I always thought I would look like as an adult when I was little. 

Kinda hard to tell in these photos but I found really cute accessories at American Eagle, the second thing is a belt with hibiscuses on it (✿ ♥‿♥) 

⭑･ﾟﾟ･*:༅｡.｡༅:*ﾟ:*:✼✿

I get my nails done on Friday and I can't decide if I wanna do easter peeps nails or if i wanna do something more general since easter is already on Sunday?? I'm already back on my bright obnoxious colors now that it's a little warmer out! 

I also still need to post about my new makeup routine once I find a way of doing makeup that I like. The eye doctor said that wearing all the heavy shimmers/metallics like I was doing increases my risk of getting another stye and it was so uncomfy and lasted so long that I got really freaked out about continuing to wear those shadows. The ones I have are really hard to wash off completely, there were always shimmers all over my face afterwards no matter how many times i rinsed and used remover. I think my look kinda depended on that really intense shimmer/glitter and now nothing I do looks right to me. I have a matte blue and a palette of satin nudes now but I haven't been able to make a look I really enjoy, something is just off without the shimmers. I feel like it makes my whole look unbalanced, without the shimmers I don't like how the rest of my face looks? That probably sounds crazy but what can I say, I know what I like xD That's why I was experimenting with different base make types, but now my skin is breaking out. I might go back to the products I used to use a year ago just with that Dior powder on top. It didn't have as much coverage, but hopefully my current spots will start fading soon anyways? My skin has gotten a lot less red even since last year I think, it's just a few red/dark spots from acne and I rarely have an active spot anymore unless I use a product that it doesn't like. Such a curse to love makeup but break out so easily o(╥﹏╥)o

New nail + this weeks outfits

The last few weeks have absolutely kicked my ass, I can't catch a break between physical and mental health issues. I haven’t been able to wear makeup for the past two weeks because I got a stye o(╥﹏╥)o I think it was from that eyeshadow that was probably 4 years old. So this week I was just focusing on wearing cute outfits. I also got my nails done!!

Luna :3 

I was sort of amekaji inspired this week. I've been exploring outfits that are more accommodating of my sensory issues. 

lol at luna sniffing my pajamas in the back

I just got this sweater on clearance at american eagle a few weeks ago because it reminded me of the kinds of sweaters amekaji gals would wear!! 

✿✼:*:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

Do you like seeing makeup hauls? I spent a kind of embarrassing amount on makeup because all of my stuff ran out or expired at the same time -_- and I had to toss some stuff due to the stye so I didn't reinfect myself. I'm really excited about everything but I'm always kind of worried it comes off as weird for me to post when I buy something really expensive. I also bought new workout clothes since I lost a few inches since I started exercising in the fall, I might want to post those too?? Going to barre is such a significant part of my life now, I started going to manage chronic pain and it's really helped.   

✿✼:*:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

I'm hoping for a better week this week. I can finally wear makeup again, the weather is slowly getting warmer and I think everything will settle into a routine soon. The change of the season is always difficult, but I'm looking forward to more sunshine and warmth ~ 

Sunday ~

 Today I’ve just been relaxing! 

My eyes are very irritated from yesterday… I don’t know why. They felt very irritated and itchy yesterday and I should’ve taken my makeup off sooner probably. I think that eyeshadow I used has gone bad. Either that or I was too harsh when I removed the lashes I didn’t like, or maybe some of both?? There was definitely some glue I had to sort of roughly comb through when I was putting on mascara. Sensitive eyes are so weird. 

I’ve been trying to find some gal make videos from current models but it’s kind of few and far between. I don’t even remember seeing these types of videos when I used TikTok, but maybe I missed them? I miss when people posted stuff like this. If you know of any Jp gals posting reiwa make please comment! I think it’s interesting to see what the trends are, even if I don’t want to wear them myself. I was hoping to get some inspo for what eyeshadow I want to buy to replace the expired one. 

Bryan’s birthday ♥╣[-_-]╠♥

Today we saw Bryan's parents for his birthday! We ate at a seafood restaurant. I didn't get food photos since I felt weird about taking pictures with his family around haha. 

My outfit! I wore my tan ugg mary janes with this. It's finally spring weather, which is so nice

Reiwa inspired make today! I don't know why I look mad, these are all the selfies I took xD I really like how this came out, even though I didn't put lashes on today. I wish I could show how sparkly this shadow is on camera!

I forgot how good quality eyeshadows feel, this is a charlotte tilbury one I bought a few years ago and am close to finishing. It might need to get tossed though because my eyes are suspiciously very itchy..  The palette I normally use is Dior but the shadows are all pretty dry and not super pigmented, even though their other palettes are normally nice. 

 I also refilled my namida bukuro stick, I got the orange instead of champagne but I think I made it work by layering lighter glitter on top. The orange alone is too dark, but they were out of stock of champagne and the others were pink which I didn't want. I forgot how nice it is when the stick is fresh, it's not pulling on my skin anymore. Note to self to replace it sooner xD 

This is the liner I use! tbh if I keep doing 90's style I don't even care about the orange end since I'll just be using pure white, but I change my mind all the time about if I want current or 90's make.  

 I used a fancy lipstick today too but tbh I'm kinda disappointed in it because every SINGLE time I use it, it dries my lips out so horribly in a way nothing else does. It even feels so creamy going on, I have no idea why it's like that. 

This is the lipstick, it's by pat mcgrath. I bought it several months ago as retail therapy, lol. 

✿✼:*:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

Here's Luna sitting in the box from one of Bryan's presents (✿ ♥‿♥)

✿✼:*:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

I tried putting on the more natural of the lashes I bought earlier this week and ... they were super ugly. I hated them and removed them immediately. If I end up using the clusters more often I'll either go with the spikes or buy more "standard" looking brown ones. The spikey ones sort of freaked me out because when I washed my face with them on they started shedding tiny individual lashes, even though I was very careful like I always am. It makes me sorta worried to wear them for more than a day, because I'm concerned I may rub them when I'm asleep and those fibers could get in and hurt my eye o(╥﹏╥)o I think I can make it work with "regular" clusters, instead of the spiky ones, especially since all the reiwa gals with exte have more wispy looking ones and 90's gals didn't really wear lashes much and if they did they were the western wispy type. I'm trying to be more in the mindset of doing what I want anyways, and not always forcing myself to copy someone else's idea in order to feel valid in my choices. 

I'm waiting for my order from this other lash company to arrive. They have a really interesting product that is little sticky tabs to put on clusters instead of liquid glue. I had a really hard time finding cluster glue that I can use and this was the only one I could find. They also had one liquid glue I can technically use, but it only comes in black and I'm not sure how that would look with my brown clusters. I'm hoping the tabs work because honestly it seems like such a good idea and will take a lot less time. 

✿✼:*:༅｡.｡༅:*･ﾟﾟ･⭑

I've been in such a weird mood the last couple weeks, I think it's probably just a combination of all the different stresses in my life right now. I keep going back and forth on how I wanna look and nothing really ever seems right. It's driving me insane. Every time the season changes i'm never happy with my wardrobe and wanna change it somehow, but it's always hard to find things I really love. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time and just wear what I feel like wearing in the moment without taking it too seriously or worrying about how someone else will view it.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

 

Little rant

I’m so upset. The lash glue I got arrived and i double checked the package before applying like I always do and it has phenoxyethanol even though the website said it didn’t have it.  The only other one I found that I could potentially use is $30 or one that has really iffy looking ingredients… at least Amazon lets me return it since I haven’t even opened the package. Ugh. :(  

Little haul

 I feel like I went on a no buy last month just to blow like twice as much money this month -_- some of it couldn’t be helped though, as I realized I genuinely needed new shoes and clothes… which I guess was the point of my no buy- only buying things I actually need instead of buying on a whim. 

I’m still deciding between some shoes since my sensory sensitivities are so insane for shoes. I ordered from Birkenstock like three times trying to get the right size because their chart wasn’t very accurate for the shoe I wanted. I may just end up returning them altogether because I’m not sure and for the price, I don’t wanna end up with yet another shoe I can’t wear.  Right now I’m focused on getting- 1. A shoe that is waterproof for the spring and 2. A shoe I can wear with my dresses.

I already got these which I’ll keep since I know I like the black pair. They’re Uggs. Not super comfortable for walking all day or anything but better looking than my normal running shoes. 

I’m deciding between two pairs of teva hiking shoes for something waterproof. Like I said, other than the platforms, I can only wear one specific pair of running shoes and those are mesh so they’re very uncomfortable when it’s cold and wet. I kind of hate having to buy ugly hiking shoes but it is what it is, I don’t wanna be in pain and there’s very few shoes cut in the way I need them to be. I think I saw a 90’s era photo of a gal in hiking shoes anyways. 

I also needed new bottoms. I like wearing jeans or pants mostly, and a lot of mine don’t fit well anymore. I loved this tropical print from Hollister, and I got some plain ones at American eagle too. 

I also got these bracelets at Hollister. My arms are really small so they’re a little big but the package came busted and they fit well enough that I’ll keep them. The large one is way too heavy looking on me though xD they also have some other shell accessories I want, but everything was a little expensive for what they are so I’ll wait for a sale. Hollister really is a mainstay of my wardrobe at this point. They’re one of the few stores that has cute details like this, and they have sales pretty frequently as well that makes them much more affordable than somewhere like American eagle. 

Finally I got influenced by rinmero to look at lash clusters again. It’s crazy realizing how many sensory issues I actually have and tried to ignore … I realized strip lashes are insanely uncomfortable for me. I tried the cluster lashes last night and they’re much better. I go back and forth between wanting the full old school look and wanting something that’s more of a hybrid modern and 90’s look so I like having the option. I put them on last night with regular glue but since they don’t bother my eyes too much I need up ordering the actual cluster glue as well. I don’t really like the makeup I did so I didn’t take a photo. I’ll try again tomorrow and see what I think! I’ve been wanting to make a tutorial just for fun.