This is a venting post again because life is kicking my ASS, just as a warning if that’s not your thing.
I did at least get my extension refreshed recently which was good. I like when she blows out my hair since I never like straightening it at home. And my birthday party was good as well. I’m just struggling so much with my pain and feeling like I am so behind in my career.
When I look back, this career path was always supposed to be temporary, and now I’m 6 years in… and I’m really unhappy
I had to leave work early because I was so exhausted and sick I felt almost drunk. It’s been kicking my ass lately like I said. My manager is suddenly very critical of me, and I know I’m not the star worker, but I’m trying… I’m really trying… it’s so hard for me to focus when my job is so repetitive. I’m not cut out for a repetitive job like this but I am stuck, it’s all anyone will hire me for. I try so hard. But concentrating feels like I’m beating my brain with rocks. It’s not that I’m not grateful to have my job, but it’s just knowing even when I try very hard I will never advance because of the way my brain is wired… it sucks. I feel guilty for having to leave work early but there wasn’t anything I could do about feeling sick… and I’m so worried for my meeting with my manager tomorrow because last week went so poorly I cried in the bathroom stall.
Please no advise on this next part, it might be unrealistic but it just brought my mood down…
I’ve been taking an interior design course to try to get into a different job and today our first project was due. It’s an online class where you don’t talk or anything. I knew my grade was 100%, so when I saw the guest speaker pull it up as an example I thought it was because it was good… but I felt more like she was using it as a bad example. she said things like “ this person didn’t understand the prompt they were designing for…” and the furniture is wrong… but never gave me suggestions for what what is “right” for the space, and the prompt was just “cat cafe”, no other adjectives or information. And my whole name was even on the project displayed to this whole class. I know I am here to learn but I don’t like this teaching style of criticizing with no suggested fix. Especially when I was already having a terrible day, I am in pain and exhausted. I was hoping I could at least be good at school since I know I am the worst performer at work, I would at least have one thing to feel good about and feel like I was working towards a better future. I don’t expect to just be praised but I want to at least receive criticism with some suggestion for improving so that I can at least try it again on my own and learn something from it. I don’t know how to improve from just “I don’t like this idea”.
Plus I think no one likes the feeling of being bad at everything, and that’s how I feel right now. I’m bad at work, I’m bad at exercising, now I feel like I’m bad at school which is something I used to be good at. I just want to feel good at something again.
Sometimes I think yeah! Great! I’m bad at everything, who cares, just exist! But that’s a really hard mindset to maintain .
That’s all, rant over.
