8/31 thoughts

It’s been such a rough year.. just want to vent and write out my feelings a little.

I’m seeing an acupuncturist in hopes that it might finally calm down my chronic foot pain. It’s been so many years at this point. I’ve had foot pain since I was a young teen, usually only when I was walking for hours but now it’s constant and disabling. Nothing has made any significant difference in my pain levels, which are severe on a daily basis, and the doctors have given up and won’t even help me get a mobility aid. (The wheelchair I use sometimes is too large for me and heavy, so I rely on someone else pushing me.) There’s been a little progress with acupuncture but since it’s my last option I’m extremely anxious about it. If this doesn’t work I just have to put up with the pain that no one can diagnose or treat. ●︿● It’s not a great way to live. And it’s exhausting. And expensive. 

Work isn’t great either. I don’t like posting details online but my job just isn’t going anywhere, I won’t get promoted and I’m on contract so I get 0 benefits or even paid time off or holidays. That stress just adds to my exhaustion. 

Gyaru has always been my war paint and escape from stuff like this. I’ve had so many battles the last several years and fashion is my way of gaining control back over something in my life. I can’t control my other situations but at least I can control what I look like. Except now that’s being taken away too. 

I know it sounds stupid and dramatic. 

I started wearing makeup again a couple weeks ago and realized that more of my makeup was hurting my eyes and skin. I’m pretty sure I’ve found the root cause that’s been bothering me all along, it’s a preservative that companies use instead of Parabens. But it’s a HUGE trigger for dry eye, which is what makes me sensitive to eye makeup. I don’t get rashes or anything but if I use it my eyes burn. Even some of my liquid shadows made my eyes burn the other day, idk if it’s because of the shimmer/glitter pieces or if they’ve just gone bad. My rosacea has been bothering me too. 

Tbh I could put up with not wearing much face makeup, but I’m too afraid to even try more eye makeup. I tried a new eyeliner and it just burned, and I found out it has a different irritating ingredient. 

So far all I can tolerate out of what I own is face makeup and mascara. I can probably get new eyeshadow and be fine but even then I won’t look how I want to look since every gal make relies on eyeliner. I thought about trying to get another pencil liner since basically every liquid one is out, but I’m kinda afraid to. Maybe if I get one that’s very gentle and only use it on the outside corner it’ll be okay. 

Even if I find ok eyeshadow, I’m not going to look gal anymore. It makes me feel alienated from my online friends and feels like part of my personality is being taken away. I just don’t feel like myself when I wear minimal makeup. Without the creativity, makeup is just covering my insecurities about my skin, which is just another chore. 

Idk what to do anymore. I tried reading through some really early mags on internet archive, like 1999-2001, but nothing really inspired me. There are some looks I could achieve by using a dark shadow on my lash line instead of eyeliner so I guess I could try that… 

If you’ve read this far and happen to know of somewhere I could look for inspo please let me know  ●︿● I feel annoying asking for it. My style now is mostly 90-2000’s gyaru and surf style and it’s hard to find magazine scans that aren’t super tan egg models. I know they exist since I have a few scans but I don’t know how many surviving magazines there are left ●︿●

I just wanna feel like myself again (◕︿◕✿)