Car shopping + Christmas decor

 Hello! 

It’s been too crazy for me to post recently. All I do is work, exercise, try to relax and sleep enough. I’ve been dressing up every day but I usually forget to get photos.  I’ve also been decorating for Christmas! 

I added some new ornaments to my tree after this, but here is Luna enjoying it. 

Our theme is peppermint! It’s the first year we have a full size tree. Now that we are in a house we have space for it!!

~~~

As if I didn’t have enough going on.. my car is on its way out. There’s been too many recalls on it that the company said they don’t plan on making parts for and I don’t feel safe driving it any longer. I’ve been shopping around for something new. 

I’m really excited because tomorrow I get to try my dream car, a jeep wrangler. I went with my dad on Saturday to test drive it a bit but I get to take it for a longer drive this time. I want it SO BADLY. I’m just not sure it’ll work out for what I need yet so that’s why I’m getting the second test drive. 

I’m honestly not usually that into cars, but after shopping a bit I do understand the appeal. The jeep is still the only one that really appeals to me aesthetically though xD I looked through my soul sister magazines to get myself excited to pick a car. 

And I surprised myself with this, but I might actually be interested in taking the jeep off-roading a bit if I do buy it.  Nothing super intense, but there are some beginner events near me. I never really got into anything outdoorsy because I felt like I was too fragile with all my health stuff but I feel like being in a car is more approachable somehow. I was just telling my coworker that I’ve never had any mischievous fun, I’ve never done anything even remotely risky or exciting. So maybe this is my thing. 

I’ll update when I decide what car I’m getting! It’s my first time ever picking a car for myself. In the past I’ve ended up with the car my dad drove previously. 

~~~

I don’t know what it is recently but I’ve felt really blah. I feel really lonely most days. Im very sensitive to other people’s emotions even when they don’t display or talk about them, so I don’t know if maybe I’m just picking up on someone else’s sadness or something?? 

It’s hard for me to make new friends even though I really want to. I’m a very shy person and get awkward and don’t know what to say, or say the wrong things even though I mean well and want to be friendly. I miss having the deep and meaningful friendships I had in college even though it did mostly end terribly. And maybe I miss my more carefree personality before shit happened to me. In some ways I care less now, but making friends is scarier because of what I’ve been through. 

Now that I live outside of the city it’s harder too. The people I used to see all the time are further away. Sometimes I regret moving here. We did really need somewhere more permanent though and buying a house in the city didn’t work out for us for various reasons. 

Really the only friends I see are at work, and if I don’t go to the office I don’t see them. It’s been snowing and icy so I’ve been at home more than usual which I don’t like at all. I know a lot of people see their coworker friends outside of work. I don’t know if mine actually like me enough for that. I am very much an extrovert but I have trouble understanding that people do actually like me after everything that’s happened. I think it’s too scary for me to try to plan those things because I’m worried it will go poorly like it has before. I don’t want to be abandoned again.

These are the times I wish I was not neurodivergent. It certainly makes this harder. I like myself as I am, but sometimes it’s still difficult. I really just want to be seen and understood for who I am and not have to perform. 

Everything will be okay. I know this is temporary. My mom always told me when I was lonely in school that it meant someone needed a friend and I should look for them. I just have to keep doing my best.